On Preventing My Inevitable Sex Scandal

[Estimated reading time: 2m52s]

“You will not turn to me and let me heal you.”

Anger. Bitterness. Fear. Boredom. Disappointment. Hatred. Woundedness.

Rather than consecrating these damaged and stolen portions of myself to the Holy Spirit, allowing him to fill my heart with love by removing what doesn’t belong or properly steward my identity…rather than consecration, I escape.

To where?

Do I leave my heart? Eventually, yes. But that’s not how it starts.

You don’t suddenly start harming others. You start by losing and harming yourself.

You harm others when you step outside of your heart.

You harm yourself when you poorly steward your characteristics and desires within your heart. And one follows the other, eventually becoming a cycle.

“You will not turn to me and let me heal you.”

You were made to Preach. That’s in your heart.

How do you harm yourself with that? You fantasize about the attention and (this is where you slip out of your heart and into the abusive abyss) using attention to get something else you want.

You were made as a Sexual being. You are as sexual as you are human as you are hungry as you are Arvin.

How do you harm yourself with that? Once you’ve found some way to get attention, to impress people with your preaching/writing/rapping/etc. gifts, You envision translating that influence over people into sexual gratification.

You think of young women whose beauty you could use to validate yourself. Since you know you’ll someday be with One of them, this portion of heart-distortion will serve your self-deceiving motives of pretending your wounds aren’t there.

Once I’ve really created my masterpiece, then she’ll enter the picture. And right now, she does, because you’re directing this movie in your head, wasting the time you should be spending consecrating your heart’s wounds to the God who’ll heal your wounds with his love.

But, alas, “You will not turn to me and let me heal you.”

It should also be noted that by doing this, you accustom yourself to having control over beauty and over a Woman…you start to associate that with success. Listen to me, you idiot! You’re planting the seeds of your own Weinstein—Lauer—Spacey—CK controversy as early as right here and right now. You recognize this and how much more work it’ll require of you, how much more imperative it is you consecrate yourself. But the CONTROL, false as it may be, feels far too good. You shouldn’t be deceiving yourself, but you are.

You go on fantasizing. You call it your “dream” and your “vision,” but it stopped being that the moment you started abusing it. God-given visions don’t come with attachments that harm others, that would be your doing. For God to breathe the anointing and power you’re asking for at this point is for God to admit he cannot heal your wounds, so he settles for confirming your decision to overlook them in order to give you something that will ultimately hurt others. Congratulations, you’ve given the enemy a way to piggy-back on your God-given gifts. He’s planted weeds in your wheat.

How? When you should’ve been tending the field that is Your Heart, you encountered a wound that went beyond your own ability to heal and ran away to pretend it didn’t exist. You hoped it’d go away. You hoped you’d come back to your heart or start a new relationship or a new dream or whatever else and your real issues would be gone—

Listen to me, you idiot! God can heal your Heart’s wounds…it is your PRIDE that says, “Either I must be able to heal them on my own without you, or I will ignore them until they go away.” They aren’t going anywhere. You weren’t supposed to be strong enough to heal yourself without him.

“They will not turn to me and let me heal them.”

Repent, idiot! You actually have a destiny, but you’re delaying it or setting up the mechanism by which it’ll someday fall over, harming everyone who loves you, with this silly pride. With all due respect, you’re better than this, you idiot.

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